Flying in the Sky
by pinkperson
Summary: Tohru Honda isn't always happy. She isn't always there for people. She's human and she isn't perfect. Deep down, though she tries to suppress it, she wishes people would realize that. These are her diary entries.
1. Blue Skies

March 3, 2015

I've always dreamed of keeping a diary of my thoughts. I don't want to think of this diary as a book of secrets, though. I'd never write my innermost feelings down without erasing them afterward. I feel like they'd lose their meaning if I did.

Anyway, this is just a keepsake, a memory holder that will remind me (hopefully) of all the little moments I treasure in life, both good and bad.

With that said, today was, as usual, a beautiful day. The sky was so blue without a single cloud in sight! I was sitting on a bench outside of Shigure's, enjoying the sunny day, and oh, how I wished that I could fly like a bird into the sky, as silly as it may sound.

I told Kyo this as he sat next to me on the bench and he shot me that look of his that makes me tip my head as butterflies flutter in my chest (okay, many looks he gives me does this). To be specific, he looked at me as though I was crazy. Despite this, as I raised my head to look at him, as I felt the pull of the birds flying above us, it took so much strength to keep me from pouncing on him and hugging him tightly.

It's funny, diary...

My relationship with Kyo is so different from my relationship with Yuki.

Unlike Kyo who makes his presence known with his raised voice, messy room, and spilled milk, Yuki is like the clouds on a sunny day. You expect him to be gone, but his appearance is actually unpredictable. I completely understand that he likes doing his homework and studying for his classes. I admire his work ethic...I really do.

But he is so hard to find sometimes.

Although I have to admit, I find it charming and a little cute that he has his own little garden that he spends so much time taking care of. I don't mean to sound like I'm judging Yuki negatively, but it's not often that I hear of a boy tending to flowers because he wants to.

It's...sweet.

But, as I was saying, I had been looking for Yuki because I had made lunch, a few sushi rolls for us all to pick from and share. After knocking on his door, I returned to the kitchen and Shigure told me that Yuki might be in the garden. I rushed outside wondering why I didn't think of that and found Yuki sitting, his back to me as he was digging a hole in the dirt. I saw a small ripped packet with a picture of a violet on it sitting on the ground beside him, and it brought such a smile to my face. I knew that violets were Yuki's favorite and I suspected it had to do with his own purple eyes.

As I closed in on him, my shadow fell over his crouched fom and enveloped much of his surroundings. Yuki's head rose slowly and he gasped harshy, face whipping in my direction. The fear in his eyes was genuine, as though I had caught him trying on women's underwear or something.

I felt bad...I really did.

As we walked back to Shigure's, it was kind of strange...There was something about the way that Yuki looked at me that was different. His eyes were more piercing, meeting my own more often. I tried to feign ignorance, act like nothing had changed, but there were more things that were even more undeniable.

There was a light in his eyes and a skip in his step that wasn't usually...or ever, really, there. Before we went inside, I felt like I had to ask…

Did he have a special reason for planting the violets, or any of his flowers?

Yuki had paused at the door and I stopped as well, facing him, waiting patiently. He looked at me and opened his mouth before shutting it, hesitant.

Finally, a spark lit in his eye, as a muscle twitched in his cheek.

I held my breath and waited.

"It keeps me busy," he said. "I feel like I'm doing something, making myself useful." He then looked away as though he were embarrassed.

I shook my head to myself, my own lips quirking into a silly little smile. I couldn't understand why he would be embarrassed.

I liked his answer.


	2. Don't Panic

March 4, 2015

Today was a hectic (but still great!) day. Ritsu was with me for most of the day because he'd been on the verge of a panic attack (not an uncommon thing for poor Ritsu). The panic attack was due to his mother being sick with a cold and her anxiety was too much for him to handle. Although I didn't want to pry into his business, he told me that his mother often saw every itch as scabies, every cough meant impending pneumonia, every cut meant an infection that could result in an amputation.

Frankly, I tried to hide my horror as he told me this. It also made me feel very sad. How difficult it must be for Ritsu and his mother to live in constant fear, I thought.

Anyway, dearest Ritsu was, sadly, a wreck even though he was away from his mother. I had chosen a nearby park that Yuki had once taken me to (and yes, there were violets in the gardens there). There were others walking along the sidewalks that circled the lake and the playgrounds. As soon as we arrived, Ritsu seemed to walk with a straighter back and he looked me in the eye more as we spoke. It made me feel so good to see him away from negativity for a change. I know in my heart that Ritsu may never be a calm person. Life has made him who he is today and that's the person he is stuck with. But that doesn't mean he can't still be happy. Or at least content.

I have to admit, as we walked side by side, I peeked at him every now and then. I was always a bit attracted to Ritsu's warm toffee brown hair. It was thin and mousey, but it was still so neatly combed and pretty. I tried to act like I didn't notice the blush on his face as I looked straight ahead again. We hadn't spoken much on our walk, although I had tried to make conversation, asking him things about the future and how school has been. I didn't want to say anything that may trigger his panic attacks.

Then I thought of something. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but I thought to myself, if I have good intentions it should be okay. Besides, what harm can it really do? So I reached for Ritsu's hand, taking him by surprise.

That's an understatement.

He actually tore his hand out of mine and stumbled backwards, away from me and off of the sidewalk. I cried out his name, realizing that he was about to hurt himself.

He fell against a tree, hit his back against it hard. I had my hands over my mouth as I gasped and felt regretful tears begin to fill my eyes.

"Ritsu!" I cried out. "I'm so sorry. A-Are you okay?"

Ritsu groaned as he pushed himself away from the tree, and rubbed his back a little. He looked up at me dazedly before his eyes widened into saucers.

The apologies that poured from his mouth should have been expected.

He fell to the floor on bent knees and leaned down against the ground, begging me for my forgiveness. He called himself a demon for being so rude as to snatch his hand back the way that he had. He said his mother was right about him, that he was destined to be a failure, a nervous wreck who could never make friends much less fall in love.

I could only stand and stare down at his form below me. My heart was racing as my palms began to sweat. Normally, I was unfazed by Ritsu's anxiety. But something about today touched a nerve. Perhaps…

Perhaps I see a bit of myself in Ritsu. And it scares me a little.

Without thinking, I dropped myself so that I was at Ritsu's level. I inhaled deeply even as he continued apologizing. I then tentatively reached a hand for one of his that was on the ground.

"Ritsu..." I said, as calmly as I could.

He didn't even hear me as he continued.

My hand paused, hovering hesitantly over his. It felt wrong somehow. Like I was intruding on something - or someone - that should be left alone.

Ritsu stiffened, his head still lowered and on the ground. He must have sensed my hand reaching for his again, I thought. I was now mesmerized by something other than his princess-like hair. His entire body shook so hard that I could see it. People had been walking past us, turning around to look, and some had even pointed and laughed. I didn't care, though. I just felt pity for Ritsu. Something I knew wasn't a nice thing to feel. Who wanted to be pitied?

But right now, that didn't matter.

I felt a connection with this person who apologized so much. Who was under his mother's command and couldn't find the strength within himself to escape it.

Ritsu finally raised his face the slightest bit, just enough so that we made eye contact. His eyes were red and tears were streaming down his face, dripping from his chin to the dirt below.

"I'm…I'm sorry Tohru," he whispered, his voice soft and husky. His eyes lowered shamefully again to the ground.

"I'm sorry too," I said.

He looked up at me again, surprised.

"I was being selfish," I said. "I should have understood that you might not feel comfortable holding my hand. I..."

I paused, thinking. Ritsu's large eyes stared at me as though he were confronted by God himself.

Finally, I smiled and realized what I felt needed to be said. "I want you to know, Ritsu, that I believe in you. You're a strong person just for coming out here today. I know you're afraid of people, but just coming this far is amazing."

Ritsu's face paled and he looked at me with something different now. It was...

It was admiration.

"Tohru..." he began.

"No," I interrupted, smiling broadly at him. "You don't have to say anything, okay? I can take you home if you want."

Ritsu paused a moment before nodding. I held my hand out to him without thinking.

Before I could snatch it back, Ritsu reached for it quickly, taking hold of it tightly as he stood up. His hand was so slick with sweat that I could feel my own hand slipping a little in its tight grip. His kimono had dirt all over the knees and lower half.

Somehow, neither of us mentioned any of this as we walked back to his house. And it felt comfortable. It felt really nice, diary.


	3. Mom

March 7, 2015

I hate when this happens.

Using the word hate says more than enough about how I feel right now.

My mother. I miss my mother. Mom...I love you so much. It's still hard to accept that you're gone. I pray every night that, wherever you are, you are happy. Please be strong, mom. I'll be strong as well. And don't worry. I won't let your memory fade.

I won't let you be lost in time.

I just wish I wasn't so weak sometimes. I wish I could smile all the time and be strong for the Sohmas all the time. It hurts to know that I can't. It hurts my soul, mom.

But don't worry. I'll keep trying. I'll keep doing my best. Don't worry about me, mom. I'll be fine.

I love you.

And please be careful up there.


	4. Why?

March 8, 2015

I remember it like it was yesterday.

The sky was blue, the bluest sky you'd ever see. There wasn't a cloud in sight. The sun shone high up in the sky, its powerful rays warming my face and neck.

I was staring at an area near the sun, but even that indirectly reminded me of what was happening right now.

A burial.

My father's casket sat in front of all of us like some sort of monument or treasure.

There's a dead body in there.

That's my father's dead body in there.

That was all I could think, even as my eyes burned and watered in their sockets from the sun's blazing brightness.

Why?…

Why was the grass so green and healthy as my father was lowered into a hole in the ground?

My mother wept silently, facing away from the casket as dirt was methodically piled onto it.

I felt as though a part of both of us had been buried along with him.

God…

Why did the sun have to shine on a day like this?

Why?

God this hurts...I don't think I can write anymore. I just felt this intensity inside me and this was the only way for me to let it out. It's easy to say that I'll treasure the bad memories before I actually write them down.

It's so painful, God.

And how can I even complain about the day being so bright when I was the only one who didn't shed a single tear?


	5. Kindness

Marcch 10, 2015

I feel so much better than I have the last few days (Thankfully!). I hope I haven't worried anyone too much because I know how much Yuki and Kyo fret when I'm less than happy. I wish I could control my facial expressions better, but I guess I am only human (not that that's a bad thing).

Anyway, I made french toast with strawberries and chocolate syrup for breakfast today and it was a superhit! Everyone gobbled it up and I could tell from the hopeful gleam in Kyo's eyes that he wanted seconds. Shigure picked his plate up and held it out to me, a cheeky grin on his face. Kyo slapped Shigure upside his head, making Shigure's plate fall to the ground. He then said something about Shigure not having learned manners in grade school.

But honestly, I didn't see anything rude about it. It's only human nature to want more. If Shigure can't fight his nature, then who am I to blame him?

...Although I do feel a bit conflicted sometimes.

The thing about my relationship with Shigure is that, deep down, I do get a little bothered by the way that he behaves around me. I don't know what it is...I feel like I shouldn't make assumptions. Okay, I'll just say it.

I think he's flirting with me.

For example, him calling me his "flower". It's a beautiful compliment, really. Who wouldn't want to be called a flower? Something that is peaceful and innocent and eventually blooms.

Maybe I'm thinking too much.

Although everyone who knows me sees me as an airhead, I do tend to go roundabout certain topics in my head.

It's just…

And I don't want to sound crazy.

But I sense something more in his words. Like there may be a hidden meaning behind them.

Shigure's eyes. They're usually so wide and bright. A playful smile is often on his face, harmlessly teasing.

So why are there times when I feel a chill from the way that he looks at me? Almost as though he really is attracted to his "flower". What does he really mean by that anyway?

Do I want to know?

I'm probably thinking too much. Forgive me, mom. Forgive me, Shigure. I should tear this page out and burn it for thinking such awful thoughts about someone so kind, someone who gave me a home so selflessly.

Forgive me.


	6. Out of Style

March 15, 2015

I can't go a single day without thinking about mom.

Anytime I go quiet, whether I'm wiping a window at work or I'm in the middle of a conversation with a friend, it's because the smiling image of my beautiful mom passes through my mind.

One of my favorite memories of mom is when she was in my room one day and decided to help me pick out what to wear to school.

She had insisted on it, but she didn't need to because I was fine with her doing whatever she wanted. The only problem was a part of me was a little scared of letting her dive into my closet. It was one of the rare occasions that I almost physically stopped my mom from doing something. As she reached for the closet door, I braced myself.

Goodness, diary…Even I have to admit I dressed like a five year old back then (and maybe I still do). I'd never say these things aloud, but I feel like I can at least open up to you…

Anyway, mom went through my closet and I cringed at the sight of my dresses. They all had flowers and ruffles on them. Or polka dots.

Big ones.

These were all dresses that I'd picked out myself (although I dislike shopping because I don't like when my mom spends money on me). I honestly think I still have a few of them now...Why is it only now that I realize how odd it is to be sixteen years old and still wear something that your mom bought you when you were ten?

Anyway, after sifting through my clothes, Mom turned around and looked at me. But she didn't look at me with amusement or pity. She had a little smile on her face and, for some reason, it made me feel so good. So good that my chest aches as I think about it now.

All she said was "you are the sweetest thing, Tohru. You know that?"

And there was a twinkle in her eye as she said it. These little things are why I am keeping this diary. I don't want to forget these little memories. I suppose I am afraid of that.

I'll try to overcome that fear, though. It'll come with time. I'll be keep being strong.

Anyway, mom walked over to me and hugged me. I hugged her back and her body felt so firm and powerful in my arms. My mom's strength felt unbeatable. Her kindness really inspires me.

There are people who think that I'm too kind. I don't believe there is such a thing as being too kind. You can never be too kind. Not when kindness can touch and transform a soul.

It's beautiful.


	7. I Believe I Can Fly

March 17, 2015

One thing that a lot of people ask me is if I believe in God.

It's such a strange question. For one, it implies that it's important to know if someone else believes in God. Also, it's a very personal question. I feel that belief is something that shouldn't have to be shared with others.

But yes, I do believe in God.

I remember the day that I first believed. It was sometime after my mother had told me the inspiring story about my father.

Anyway, I'd been standing on the balcony of the apartment Mom and I used to live at when I felt a gentle breeze caress my face.

I heard a crow cawing from atop a nearby tree immediately afterward as well as the flapping of wings overhead. I felt the humidity that warned of impending rain.

I blinked rapidly, wondering if I was wrong about my prediction. It hadn't rained where we lived for the past year or so. I had to be wrong, I thought to myself.

It was scary, in a way.

The day had been so clear, so blue and cloudless one moment. The very next, or so it seemed, it was overcast and I felt a breeze that made my eyes fly wide open.

I could practically smell water, as insane as that sounds.

A part of me was terrified of this feeling. A part of me had no idea what was going on.

Another part of me breathed in and out and felt truly alive for the first time.

I guess I just feel like the personal connection I share with God is something that I treasure. Some things in life are best kept secret. That's why this is just between me and you, Diary.

 **Author's Note: Thank you to anyone who has come this far in reading this story. I really like the character of Tohru and I hope I'm staying at least somewhat true to her character. I won't lie and say I haven't changed her character somewhat because I know I have.**


	8. The Rain

March 18, 2015

One thing that most people know about me is that I really love the rain. I love breathing in the humidity on a cool day.

Something about rain is so peaceful. It's very calming, maybe even therapeutic to me. I don't even mind getting my clothes wet. Then again, I'm not one to care too much about how I look.

Yuki and Kyo find it weird that I go outside even when it's pouring down, the roads nearby flooding. They shake their heads at me and sigh as they open the door for me, watching grudgingly as I leave the house.

I usually don't like to go against others' wishes, especially not those who have given me a home, but…

There's just something about the rain.

I love looking up at the sky, shutting my eyes instinctively as raindrops hit my eyelids, my cheeks, my hair. It soaks through my dress and underwear and it feels really uncomfortable and invigorating at the same time.

This is life, I think to myself. This is what it means to be alive.

Sometimes I do feel a little awkward when I get too into the moment, holding my arms out and twirling in the rain. It's just the way I am, I suppose. Mom would really get a kick out of it when she used to go outside with me, though.

I don't see any shame in it. There's no shame in enjoying life, in enjoying yourself. At least, as long as no one is harmed in doing so.

Just like tears are beautiful, so is the rain. It makes me think of my mom and dad. It's painful, but it's so relaxing that I can't help but like it anyway.


	9. I've Got Your Back

April 1, 2015

I have to admit that I feel shy to say this, but I've been watching Kyo more.

That sounds odd, doesn't it? Let me be more specific.

What I mean is that I've been paying closer attention to his face when he talks, the expressions he makes, the way that his eyes light up and the right corner of his mouth quirks upward when he speaks emphatically…

Okay. I better control myself before I say too much.

Goodness, if someone were to read my diary (please don't!), I'd feel so scared. I didn't mean to divulge my deepest secrets in here, but that's how things have turned out.

Anyway, back to the topic I was getting to – what Kyo and I did today.

He and I were sitting on the living room couch around two in the afternoon, watching the news because he couldn't find something more to his taste. I know Kyo loves martial arts films and it must have pained him internally to watch something as static as the news. After he set the controller down, we watched uninterestedly as the reporter on the screen interviewed a baseball player. A few minutes of silence passed by between us before I thought of something to talk about.

I shyly tapped Kyo on his knee to catch his attention. He blinked out of his bored trance and turned to me, a little annoyed. I knew he hated to be touched, so I felt bad immediately afterward for doing it. I really need to control myself better, diary…

Anyway, I asked him if he has felt jealous of anyone since I'd talked to him about plums on the backs of rice balls.

Recognition slowly dawned on his face, and his eyes darted away quickly before hesitantly looking back at me again. The embarrassment on his face was adorable, made me want to hug him tightly.

It's so hard to hold back sometimes. Mom, it's times like this that I really need you!

Kyo looked down, then, and thought to himself for a few seconds. Then he looked up at me again, his cheeks stained pink. He shrugged. "Not really" was what he said.

I could tell that he felt ashamed somehow, almost like he felt guilty for it. I placed a hand on his shoulder without thinking (what is wrong with me?) and Kyo's hair literally stood on end as he cringed in fear.

I left my hand on his shoulder, though, thinking to myself that there is nothing wrong with affection. I told myself what I was doing wasn't wrong. Pulling my hand back would mean that I was confirming his fears, wouldn't it?

I simply told him that he shouldn't feel bad and that I was glad that he listened to me when I spoke about plums and rice balls and other silly things. That metaphor has made people roll their eyes and even laugh at me in the past. I really don't feel shame in spreading it, though. It's something mom passed on to me, so it means a lot to me.

Kyo didn't laugh when I told him about it that day.

He had listened to me and in the end told me that I have one on my back too.

It really touched me.

And I think I'm beginning to have feelings for Kyo.

Goodnight, Diary.


	10. My Friends

April 3, 2015

I am so grateful for my friends and the memories that I have of my mom…and my dad too, of course.

Since I feel safe saying it here, I do feel scared sometimes when I think about my dad. I feel scared of the jealousy and anger that bubble up inside me all these years later. I wish I could come to terms with these feelings somehow. It seems impossible beyond the grave. Maybe it isn't worth it, in that case.

But, as I was saying, I do feel thankful. Especially when I see a boy or girl at school who looks so meek and afraid of the world. I know just from looking at them that they don't have anyone. I mean, they may have their parents or even a friend or two, but in reality they aren't really there for them.

I want so badly to be their friend, but I know that I can't help every soul in the world. I can also tell that I may not be what they need in order to find peace in this world.

Peace comes from within. That's something that I've learned from experience. They're the only ones who can help themselves.

I can only pray for them and hope that they can find the strength.


	11. It's a Date

April 8, 2015

Today, for the first time, Yuki invited me to plant flowers with him in his garden.

I saw that he was holding packets of something in one hand, while he held a water pail in the other. Noticing where my gaze was, he shyly held out this hand, so that I could see what the mysterious packets in it were. I looked and saw pictures of violets on one and pictures of daffodils on the other. I thanked him, but I felt bad for making him feel like he had to show me. I really need to be more considerate of others' feelings.

Then again, it's not like it was meant to be a secret or anything. At least I don't think it was.

It was hard for me not to smile after he showed me, though. I couldn't help but wonder if he had planned this outing further in advance than he let on.

Yuki is so kindhearted. I wish I didn't still feel like there was some sort of awkward tension between us. Like when we cross paths in hallways and can't seem to make our way around each other. Or when we accidentally reach for the same glass on the table. Or when we do anything at all together, it seems...

He has such gorgeous eyes, though. They're large and expressive yet they droop a little at the corners, as though they carry a lot of burdens. I can see Yuki as having a lot on his shoulders. I feel that he takes on more than he can handle too often. Then again, people say the same thing about me.

Anyway, I was happy to get my hands dirty, but Yuki reached out and took my hand in his, stopping me from picking up a shovel. He smiled shyly and said that my hands are too pretty to get dirty.

I'll be honest. My breath caught when he held my hand and my heart went into turbo mode when he said something so flirtatious. I've never really had a boyfriend so this is all new to me. Not that I think I'll have a boyfriend anytime soon. I'm just not used to being in such close contact with boys.

Even though Yuki has a high pitched voice, the husky quality of it is oddly alluring. Even though he's overly polite to me, I feel that he desires something more from me. Even though I'm attracted to Kyo, I feel drawn to Yuki as well.

Oh, I feel so confused...

You know what? Let's just skip this drama for now and continue with where I left off.

It wasn't just Yuki that I saw today. Rin and Haru actually came over for a date. They wanted to have a picnic near the woods, which is a favorite hangout for many of the Sohmas (and myself as well).

After greeting us shortly, Haru laid out a long and thick red blanket on the grass while Rin, who was carrying a basket of food with a manicured hand, gazed warily in my direction.

I averted my eyes even though it was hard to. Rin is so captivating. She stood still even as her long, sleek black hair blew in the wind. Not a care in the world.

Yuki had gone back to his garden, seeming to realize the couple's desire for privacy, and I quickly turned around and did the same. I watched as Yuki tore the packet of daffodil seeds open and planted one in a small hold he'd dug. I helped him put the dirt back into the hole, although my hands trembled slightly as I did so. Once we were done filling up the hole, Yuki picked up the water pail that he'd brought and began to water the soil.

He began talking to me about why he liked flowers, a question I had yet to get a detailed answer to. I listened closely as he said that he felt a connection with nature, and that it might have to do with him being the rat in the zodiac. He felt a little embarrassed about it, he said, because Kyo had teased him about it in the past.

He said it was amazing when he first transformed. The grass was so tall around him, and the ants and bees were the proportionate size of dogs and cats in his human form.

His smile wavered as he seemed to get lost in thought and I noticed that the plant he had been watering was on the verge of drowning.

I said Yuki's name a little harsher than I would have liked, but he snapped out of his daze and moaned at the sight of the water-filled pot. Try as it did, the soil couldn't absorb all of the water.

I felt my face crumple at the look on Yuki's face, but before I could say anything I heard a different sort of moan coming from behind us. I turned around and saw Rin with something long and yellow going in and out of her mouth. She repeated the movement a few times before turning to me and winking.

I blushed fiercely, sweat pricking my upper lip as she took the banana out of her mouth and handed it to a chuckling Haru. I don't know why, but I knew deep down that what she did was something...dirty.

I turned to Yuki nervously, hoping that he hadn't seen what had happened.

He had his back to me this time and appeared to be toying with an empty packet of seeds, turning it over again and again in his hands. His hands shook a little as he did this.

I wanted to say something, but I felt like the awkwardness that I normally felt around Yuki had returned with a vengeance.


	12. Shigure

April 13, 2015

Earlier today, I was in my room writing an essay for my English class when I heard a knock on the door that made me look up from my paper. It was actually a rhythmic pattern of knocking that I recognized easily. Only Shigure knocks on my door that way. Kyo opens the door without warning (although I think he just forgets to knock), while Yuki's knocks are quiet and tentative.

Anyway, I put down my pencil and told Shigure to come in. When he opened the door, I nearly gaped at him. His eyes were red-rimmed and there were dark bags underneath them. His smile was weak...twitchy, even.

He looked defeated, diary.

I'm ashamed to admit that I looked away and then looked back at him. I felt uncomfortable as he entered my room and sat next to me on my bed. I'd never seen him looking like this before, so it felt like we were in the twilight zone or something.

Shigure asked me if I needed any help with my homework. I was surprised by this, but said that I didn't want to trouble him. I felt breathless and my eyes didn't quite meet his as I spoke to him. I hoped he didn't notice that my response was a little too quick as well.

Shigure looked away and shut his eyes. He inhaled and exhaled deeply before turning to look at me again. He smiled and, for the first time, I noticed that he has a dimple in his left cheek.

"You're such a good person, Tohru," he said. "I don't know how the hell you do it."

I didn't expect this.

I also didn't expect my heart to flutter in my chest because of how handsome he looked right now. His eyes crinkled as they smiled at me as well. His age was beginning to show on his face, but his inner youth shone through what was on the outside.

Why did it feel like this was the first time I'd seen Shigure smile when I knew this wasn't the case?

I lowered my eyes awkwardly and placed my hands in my lap. "I...I wouldn't say that I'm a good person, Shigure," I whispered.

"What are you talking about?" Shigure gaped at me, shaking his head before laughing tensely. "You didn't bonk your head against something when you were a kid, did you? Tohru," And his dark eyes softened as he tilted his head, focusing his attention on me. "You're the nicest kid I've ever seen. You'd probably still be living in that tent if we hadn't found you that night."

I bit my lip and shifted uncomfortably. Topics like this made me uneasy.

Shigure's face darkened all of a sudden and he turned away from me, actually shifted his body so that he was no longer facing me. He crossed his arms and faced as far away from me as he could. "You know what? Forget it," he spat bitterly.

I blinked hard at the sudden shift in the atmosphere. What happened? Did I do something to upset him? Or is that I didn't do something?

It was such a bizarre situation. I had completely forgotten the homework that sat on my bed unfinished and untouched, even.

I sighed as I surveyed Shigure's stiff form, heard the breaths that puffed out from between his chapped lips.

"Shigure?" I said meekly, making sure not to reach out and touch him. I had never touched Shigure before. At least, not on purpose.

It was like there was an invisible wall around him that I couldn't seem to penetrate no matter how hard I tried. Even when he smiled, there was a shadow in his eyes that I felt only I could see.

A shadow of what, I wonder.

Shigure had then turned around, though he kept his eyes downcast. "Hmm?" he said edgily.

"You're a good person, too, Shigure," I said. "You gave me a home when I was a stranger on your property. That's the epitome of being a good person. I think you're the kindest-"

"I'm not," Shigure interrupted harshly.

His tone was so cold and sharp that I jerked away from him, eyes widening. There was a heavy silence after that. I didn't even apologize to him. I just sat there hating myself for saying the wrong things.

"Tohru?"

I looked up and saw that he was looking at me. I hadn't even felt his eyes on me during the silence.

"Yes, Shigure?" I said. My heart was still beating rapidly from his sharp tone, but I tried to maintain eye contact with him.

"How..." He paused and I saw him swallow, avert his eyes. He looked back at me again and I saw the strangest thing.

Shigure's irritation had been replaced by nervousness.

He was always so full of confidence, so energetic and teasing. This was definitely another side of him, possibly something that he didn't show to just anyone.

I felt very blessed that he trusted me this much, diary.

"How..." He began again, "How do I...I mean…Do you-Do you really think that I'm a...a good person?" Shigure stammered and I saw that he was beginning to sweat.

I wondered which one of us had turned up the heat because my own face was beginning to feel warm.

Anyway, I of course told him that yes, I do think that he is a good person. And I meant it.

I always thought there was more to Shigure than met the eye. I knew deep down that those shadows in his eyes couldn't mean something malicious was hiding there. Maybe it was sadness or pain, but certainly nothing of a mean nature. Shigure is far from a cold person. In fact, I could practically feel the heat radiating from him when he smiled at me.

Anyway, I ended up finishing my homework by myself, but I didn't mind at all. The brief conversation that I had with Shigure made me feel so much more productive and energized, honestly.


	13. Weakness

April 22, 2015

Sometimes I just want to pack all of my things, leave, and never come back.

I can't take all of these expectations and getting tugged from countless directions day after day after day.

Why can't people understand that I just want to be alone sometimes? Or that I want to spend time with someone that another person doesn't like?

Of course, I'd never say these things aloud. I won't allow myself to utter anything so selfish, much less snap at others.

But, God, it's so hard not to.

I'm so calm so much of the time. I endure so much. I do it all because of my mom and dad, but there are times when I wonder what the point of it all really is.

Am I even making a difference? I rarely see anyone learn from my acts of kindness and start being kinder to others themselves.

I see so much selfishness in the Sohmas. God forgive me for writing this down...but I sometimes watch them bicker and I think to myself that I'm a better person than them. I hate thinking something so arrogant, but it's like I can't help but think it. A part of me feels like I'm better than them.

This part of me is the part that I try hard to suppress. It's the bad part of me. The evil Tohru. The one who I had tried to kill so many years ago.

But how can you kill a part of yourself when the other part is still alive?

Okay, I'm thinking way too much. This is getting morbid fast…and I definitely don't want that. Have a goodnight, Mom, Dad, and everyone else in the world. And you, too, God. Thanks for listening to all these bizarre thoughts I have. And for forgiving them.


	14. Don't Be Afraid

April 27, 2015

I feel this intense hatred for him.

Forgive me for this, but I really do hate him. I hate his perfect face, his perfect smile, his perfect education, and his perfect loving and giving nature.

How can you compete with perfection?

It's what I've been doing all of my life and I just can't...I just can't do it anymore.

I'm sorry mom.

Dad...I need some time away from you. I'll get back to you eventually...maybe. We'll see how things go. I just need to get my head together. Clear my mind. Find myself again.

* * *

May 5, 2015

Ayame came over today. It's always a circus in the house when he visits. From his grand entrance to his booming voice and stage presence, I can't help but be awed by his charisma.

I was standing in front of the sink, washing a dirty dish with a rag when the door slammed open, making the walls vibrate and my teeth chatter.

Ayame stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame for a few seconds, posing seductively before entering the house. He left the door open behind him, as always.

He waved and winked at me before gliding over to Shigure's side. The two of them shared a lengthy hug.

"Aya, how have you been?" Shigure said as he rubbed Ayame's back. "Not too happy without me, I hope."

"Everyone's happy without you!" Kyo had shouted from somewhere upstairs.

"Is that Kyo?" Ayame asked, pulling away from Shigure's embrace. "You know, that boy could really use some guidance when it comes to his style...He should come with me to my store, too!"

Kyo had grumbled something in response, but I can't remember what. I think he might have told Ayame to hang himself with his hair or something like that.

Anyway, all of a sudden, Shigure and Ayame held their hands out and interlaced their fingers, staring deeply into each others eyes. They then began to profess their undying love for one another.

Graphically.

It's hard for me to know what to do when this happens. My heart skips beats hearing about the things they say about one another. I could only gape with my mouth hanging slightly open as the plate in my hand slowly slipped from my loosening grip.

It was even more embarrassing since they were both attractive men.

Ayame eventually noticed me staring and I quickly looked away, blushing and apologizing for my rudeness. He sauntered over to the kitchen and I found myself intimidated by his golden eyes that narrowed into slits as he studied me.

Ayame's beauty catches me off guard every time. And, honestly, I still sometimes mistake him for a woman from behind. Even when he isn't wearing a dress.

He tilted his head and smiled at me, making me nearly melt into a puddle before him.

"And how is Princess Tohru doing today?" Ayame asked me, and even his voice is like a hiss, but not a predatory one. It sounded more...sensual.

Oh, I feel so weird using the word "sensual"...

"I'm fine," I told him a little nervously. "thank you for asking. How about yourself, Ayame?"

"I'm feeling beautiful, darling," he said with a grin. "Beautiful as the stars. I'm here to take Yuki with me for a fitting at my shop."

"Oh, that's wonderful, Ayame," I said, and I meant it. "It's so nice to hear that you two are finally going to spend some quality time together."

"Any time in my presence is quality time, Tohru," Ayame said with a wink. "Yuki, my dear sweet brother, loves me more than he loves the violets in his garden. He's just too shy to admit it."

"In fact," Shigure piped up from the living room, prompting us to look at him, "Aya is like the sun while Yuki is like the moon. One can't live without the other."

"Yes. Yes, indeed," Ayame said. He then smirked at Shigure while Shigure licked his lips suggestively.

I had no idea what to do so I just stood there until the plate I held in my hand finally slipped from my hands, hitting the tile floor, and shattering into pieces.

I immediately fell into a sea of apologies, but Shigure silenced me graciously before teasing me. He'd joked that this wasn't grounds for kicking me out of his house (yet). Ayame, on the other hand, bent down to my level and helped me pick up the pieces from the floor.

I felt too shy to look at him as we did this, but it was hard to suppress the smile that threatened to spread across my face. It just feels so nice to have such kind friends...even if they're a bit odd sometimes.

I feel so blessed, diary.

* * *

May 6, 2015

I used to find crows scary.

Their cawing seemed to me a signal of impending death. It scared me. I hated seeing them on telephone poles, passing over the car I rode in, standing around in groups on people's lawns.

They scared me because I was afraid of death.

Blackness, an empty soul, the end. That was what death was to me.

After all, if life is so precious, that must mean there is no life after death, right?

How scary. How utterly terrifying the prospect of death used to be to me.

I would lie awake in my dark room at night, staring at the ceiling as I envisioned my mother's pale, lifeless face. As if it belonged to the same person.

It hurts to lose someone. Even if I didn't know them that well, like my father.

Even if I have painful thoughts about him.

He was my father and he loved me. I know he did. He was a good person.

I hated seeing crows on the day after his funeral. I hated seeing crows in general. But now…

Now, I know that crows are animals as well. They have a beauty all their own. Black is not an ugly color.

It all just depends on how you look at it.


	15. Love and Duty

May 15, 2015

Today, Kyo and I were sitting in his room studying together when he asked me why I chose to work as a janitor. He wrinkled his nose as he spit out the word.

It didn't hurt my feelings because it's a reaction that I'm used to. People see being a janitor as a lowly job...pitiable, even. Maybe that's why people avoid looking me in the eye as I stand a few feet away from them, sweeping dust and scraps of paper into a dust pan.

It used to hurt a little in the beginning because the experience was new to me, but I quickly learned to accept their reactions and not take them personally. I'd tell myself that they might just feel uncomfortable and that I should just try to be more respectful of their space.

They don't mean to hurt my feelings. Even if they did, I shouldn't let it get to me.

My tuition fees are pretty steep, but knowing that I'm doing something good for Grandpa makes me forget all about my fears.

Grandpa has been so good to me all these years. I really love talking to him about Mom.

Although I do have to admit that a small part of me feels a little bad when he calls me Kyoko. I love him and I would never get angry at him for it, but it's a little painful to hear that name as though it were my own.

My mom was such a great person that I almost feel like it's an insult to her memory to call me by her name, even if it's by mistake.

After I answered Kyo's question, I asked him what kind of part-time job he'd be interested in. Kyo pondered this for a minute before saying that he couldn't see himself interacting with customers without getting angry and losing his job. The sincerity with which he said this made my chest ache. The sadness on his face was heartbreaking, diary.

I reached out and hugged him without thinking and he turned into a cat in my arms. I flinched, nearly letting him go at the realization of what I'd done, but to my surprise, Kyo didn't hiss or scratch at me, much less shout at me for being a stupid ditz like he normally did.

Instead, he relaxed in my arms, limp as a noodle, and I smiled and was unable to resist the temptation to give him a little squeeze. His fur felt soft as a pillow against my chest and the tickling sensation against my arms was oddly comforting as well.

"You know," Kyo said, "One of these days, I really am going to kill you."

He wasn't fooling anyone. I heard the smile in his voice.

* * *

May 21, 2015

One of the things that I love about Momiji is that he lets me pet him when he's in his rabbit form. He even pounces into my arms, eager to transform. His acceptance and love of his zodiac animal is adorable to me.

Of course, so is his fluffy rabbit form. It's very odd to see a yellow, red-eyed rabbit, though. I've always wanted a pet rabbit, but I never got one. It's probably because I'm so busy. I think it's better if I don't get one anyway. I fear the poor thing would starve or die of loneliness because of me.

Maybe I fear death even more than I thought I did. I feel like I might not know myself very well either.

Anyway, just the other day, Shigure, Kyo, Yuki, and I were eating dinner I'd cooked, teriyaki chicken and rice, when I caught Kyo staring at me intensely, his eyes practically boring into my own. I had the feeling he'd been staring like this long before I'd noticed.

My heart had jumped into my throat and blood rushed to my cheeks as I lowered the fork that I'd lifted from my plate and met his eyes, confused.

Shigure and Yuki noticed this and Yuki told Kyo to stop staring at me. He went on to say, "Your ugly face is making her lose her appetite."

Kyo snapped out of his daze and shot a glare at Yuki, his face red as a tomato.

"Why don't you mind your own business and get back to your food, you damn rat?" Kyo snarled.

I tried to calm the situation down, but it was Shigure who managed to stop their threats and insults by telling me in detail what he and Ayame did last night.

Just when Shigure got to the part where they'd peeled the clothes off each others bodies, Yuki and Kyo threw their chairs across the room and grabbed him by the throat, their hands overlapping.

I sat in shock before pleading with them to not hurt Shigure. I apologized for causing the situation as well. They finally managed to let him down, albeit reluctantly. We then returned to our food.

My heart was racing as I kept my eyes lowered for the remainder of the meal. My hands shook as I ate because I kept thinking about what Shigure had see as well as the way that Kyo had looked at me.

These thoughts and feelings that I'm beginning to have...they seem dangerous.

Anyway, I brought up Momiji because he visited us later in the day. He was all grins and chuckles as soon as he arrived and he leaped into my arms as soon as he saw me. I laughed as he transformed while Kyo rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. Yuki, on the other hand, walked over to my side and tapped my shoulder. I jumped at this, nearly dropping Momiji.

I turned around nervously and was relieved to see Yuki smiling at me. It always makes me happy to see Yuki smile. More often that not, he looks deep in thought, very pensive and tense, as though any moment of happiness could shatter if he breathed a little too loudly.

"You really like Tohru, don't you Yuki?" Momiji asked, and I felt my mouth drop open as the air left the room.

But, to my surprise, Yuki didn't run out of the room out of mortification like I'd expected. Instead, he smiled warmly, poked my shoulder again and said, "Of course I like her. It's like asking me if I like the sun. Or the rain." He winked at me, as though we shared a little secret.

I nearly fainted with Momiji still in my arms.

What kind words...Do I really deserve such kindness?

Well, whatever the case, they were much appreciated. And I think Yuki looked even more handsome to me after this.


	16. Let's Dance!

May 22, 2015

While Momiji was over the other day, he asked me an interesting question. He asked me, if I had the ability to transform into any animal, what animal would I choose?

Well, that definitely made me think hard. There are so many beautiful animals that it feels impossible to choose just one.

I first thought of the rabbit, Momiji's zodiac animal. I love the way that my hand glides along the silky smooth fur, the way that I can carry them in my arms or hold them against my shoulder as though I'm carrying a baby.

I then thought of the squirrel, a nimble and adorable rodent. I enjoy watching them leap from branch to branch and then freeze when I get too close to them, as though they've been caught stealing.

I also like dogs. Maybe it has to do with it being my zodiac animal. I especially love small ones, like dachshunds. I love the energy that dogs have, how they can run in circles at warp speed because they're just that happy.

I think I have an idea of what the first thing I would do would be if I could transform into a dog. I'd help Yuki by digging holes for him in his garden. I bet that would lift at least some stress from his shoulders.

This also made me think about something we talked about in my philosophy class recently. We were asked during a class discussion, if we had the choice, would we choose to have the ability to turn invisible or the ability to fly?

I had thought to myself that invisibility did sound like it could be useful, particularly if I were in a pinch. I could definitely help people in scary situations as well, like if they were being robbed at gunpoint.

I then thought about the ability to fly. Well, I do love birds and I sometimes see them gliding in circles in the sky, enjoying themselves and enjoying life.

I mean, who wouldn't want to be a bird? Can anything be more amazing than the ability to fly?

So, I think I really would love to be a bird. That is what I told Momiji.

He smiled in response and told me that he wished I could turn into a rabbit. He said it would be fun to chase each other in the backyard and we could jump over each other, too. He sounded excited as he said this, but I saw the sadness in his eyes as well. I'm ashamed to say that I was surprised to realize that Momiji looked lonely. It never occurred to me that he could also feel lonely because of the curse at times.

Needless to say, I spread my arms, and wrapped them around him, hugging him tightly. As he transformed in my arms, I rocked him from side to side without even realizing it.

May 27, 2015

Today, Yuki, Kyo, Shigure and I were sitting in the living room watching a reality show called Dancing Queen. It's a show where the contestants compete using their dancing skills. I turned to Kyo, who sat to my right, stuffing handfuls of popcorn into his mouth. My mouth hung slightly open for a second as I stared at the crumbs that fell from his mouth to his lap.

Maybe it's the janitor side of me talking, but I really wanted to pick up those morsels from his lap and throw them away.

I'd never touch Kyo's lap, though. Goodness, I can't believe I'm even having these thoughts…

Anyway, Kyo caught me staring at him and he turned towards me, frowning, tiny crumbs sticking to his lips.

"Uh, is something wrong?" he asked.

"No, nothing's wrong!" I squeaked out, feeling my nerves jangle. He looked handsome even as he stuffed his face the way that he did.

Kyo put the bag of popcorn he'd been holding onto the floor, when I heard a snicker from his right – Shigure.

"Maybe you should chew with your mouth closed, Kyo. Tohru is a lady and you're eating like dirty caveman right next to her!" Shigure's eyes twinkled as he said this.

Kyo turned towards Shigure, who suddenly wore a serious face as he raised his hands in apology.

Before Kyo could throttle him, Yuki piped up from my left. He leaned forward making me turn towards him.

"Tohru," he began, "you shouldn't look at Kyo for too long. It can cause serious side effects."

"Shut up, you damn rat," Kyo growled, head snapping in our direction. "Or I'll give you a serious side effect."

Shigure giggled behind his hands as he always did when they fought. Or when Kyo got angry at anything at all.

I could only sit in the crossfire, unsure of how to calm the situation before it escalated any further.

Then as my eyes darted back to the television, it dawned on me. I watched a couple dancing, hands on hips, hands on shoulders, gliding across the dance floor as though it were ice. The music was upbeat and the crowd cheered when they slid under each other, when the woman was thrown into the air and then caught as though she were weightless.

"Um, do any of you know how to dance?" I asked.

Shigure, Kyo, and Yuki stopped their bickering and looked at me, processing what I said. After a few seconds of tension, Shigure spoke up.

"I can dance amazingly well," he said. "But I never have anyone to dance with." He pouted. "The love of my life is on an eternal period so she's never in the mood."

"Tell her I said I'm sorry," Kyo said.

"Why, thank you, Kyo!" Shigure beamed as he nudged Kyo playfully. "That's so nice of you!"

Kyo scowled, leaning away from Shigure. "I'm sorry she has you for a boyfriend, idiot. That's what I meant."

Shigure pouted again while Yuki spoke up, making me turn towards him to hear him better. Yuki is a bit soft spoken so he can be hard to hear when there's any noise in the background.

"I don't know how to dance," he said, eyes downcast. "I guess I never thought it had much of a purpose. Since, you know, I'm scared I might accidentally transform."

The longing and sadness in his eyes were too much for me to bear.

I had to say something to cheer him up...cheer all of them up. And even though Shigure and Kyo didn't outwardly appear to be upset, I knew that, deep down, they felt that same longing.

I smiled and stood up, walked a few feet away from the couch, turned around and faced them.

"You know what?" I said, as I placed my hands on my hips, feeling energized. "You're all going to dance right now."

Okay, I honestly don't know where this confidence came from…It's so rare that I talk like this. I usually ask for permission for every little thing, much like Ritsu.

Maybe the show made me feel inspired. Maybe I've gotten that close to the Sohmas. Whatever the case, I saw Yuki, Kyo, and Shigure exchange looks before looking back at me.

I saw fear and anxiety on all of their faces.

Yes, even Shigure.

But when they stood up and I saw the hope that was shining in all of their eyes, it made up for that long pause filled with hesitation. I grinned at them, and they smiled back a little nervously.

I felt like I was getting onto something, diary.


	17. Trick or Treat

June 4, 2015

Today, I went for a walk and decided to buy some groceries along the way. Of course, like most days, it didn't turn out quite the way that I expected.

The walk to the grocery store from Shigure's house is pretty long, but I don't mind. I love going outside and getting some fresh air. I wasn't the only person who felt this way either. I exchanged many "Hi, how are you? I'm great"'s with other people who walked along the sidewalk.

I saw many chubby babies in strollers, toddlers being carried in their parent's arms, and small children holding their parent's hand as they waddled about.

I saw little girls wearing hot pink shirts with ruffles and sparkles all over them. Little boys looked snazzy with their plaid button down shirts, jean jackets, and khaki pants.

It made me want a child of my own, diary. They were all just so precious. I already did plan on having kids in the future, but seeing children as I walked around made me burn with desire.

Unfortunately, though, not everyone I saw today was happy.

As I was about to reach the store, I saw a woman ahead of me pushing a shopping cart that was filled with clothing and bags of what looked like empty soda cans and trash.

I felt awkward for a few seconds, not knowing whether I should say something to her or if she'd prefer if I didn't say anything at all. Maybe she didn't want to be bothered, I thought.

But something about the way that she walked, the way that she ignored the world around her made me stop and think twice.

I unzipped my purse, pulled my wallet out, and caught up to her. I smiled and said hi.

She looked uncomfortable and edged away from me instantly, face wrinkling like a prune. I didn't back away despite the fact that I knew she probably didn't like the close proximity of our faces. I've been trying to keep myself from backing down from what scares me, so this was a sort of practice session for me.

And so I stood my ground and said that I'm sorry if I scared her, but I wanted to give her something. I opened my wallet and pulled out a couple of bills. I frowned as I saw what they were.

A one and a twenty.

I hesitated for half a second before handing her the twenty. She reluctantly took it from my hand, and I saw that her hand was shaking. She looked at me fearfully, as though she couldn't believe what was happening at that moment. Or maybe she was just unaccustomed to looking people in the eye.

I'll never forget what she said to me as she looked at the money in her hand and then looked back at me again.

She said, "Is there a catch?"

I didn't expect this. It caught me off guard, made me tense up a little. I had hoped deep down that she'd thank me.

I simply told her that no, there wasn't a catch. I just wanted her to have the money. She still seemed doubtful and asked again if there was a catch.

I was unable to buy groceries, which was disappointing because I had been hoping to surprise Shigure, Kyo, and Yuki with a french silk pie, but overall I feel that I made the right decision. After all, I could always surprise them another day.

It was one of those experiences that made me feel sad and happy at the same time. I hope I made that lady's day. I did feel like my day was a little brighter after this. Although Kyo and Yuki always tell me that I shouldn't be so trusting of people who I don't know, I can't think of a single experience I've had with a stranger that I can't look back on in a positive way.

As much as I love them, I do wish they would be more positive. Even the bad things in life have upsides, after all. No matter how bad it can get.

Anyway, I wish that lady luck in her future. I will pray for her and all other homeless people.

I know they need it.

* * *

June 6, 2015

I was sitting in the grass behind Shigure's house just a couple of hours ago, feeling the cool bursts of wind on my face, when I began thinking about heaven and hell and what it means to be alive.

What is the meaning of life? It's a question that haunts the human race, but I don't believe the answer is as complex as people think.

I know what you're thinking, diary. That I must be so arrogant to think that I know what the meaning of life is. And you know what?

Maybe I am.

I had been lying down on the grass, feeling the spikes press gently against my back and bare legs. I inhaled deeply, let my back arch as my chest reached for the baby blue sky, and I felt bliss fill my lungs.

I think there are many meanings to life. There can't be just one because human beings are so complex. We have so many needs and desires. Life means so many things to us.

But here's my idea of life.

We need to be kind and compassionate to others, whether they're people, animals, plants, or the environment in general.

Simple, isn't it? That's all there is to it.

This is the most important lesson I have carried with me in life. It makes the world a better place. I'm trying not to think about whether others will be inspired by my kindness. That really doesn't matter, now that I think about it. All that matters is that I am kind.

Oh, and that I believe in myself, of course.


	18. Just Say No

June 9, 2015

There was a party at Shigure's house today and it was fun, but I felt like I didn't belong there, I'm sorry to say.

I'm not much of a party person, I guess. I tried to look enthusiastic and smile, but I just didn't feel right. Parties feel like forced get-togethers to me. I feel like I'm forced to be wild and crazy. And I'm far from wild. Crazy, though…

I might be a little crazy.

What surprised me was that Haru arrived at the party a little intoxicated and he had offered me something called a strawberry daiquiri to drink while we were standing in the shadows of a hallway, away from most of the noise in the living room.

Haru is a pretty mellow person, so I wasn't surprised to find out that he isn't too fond of parties either. He said that he just uses them as an excuse to get drunk and relax. It bothers me a little that he is underage and drinks, but I didn't say anything so that I wouldn't hurt his feelings.

Anyway, I declined the alcohol that he offered me. I saw the disappointment in his eyes and I looked away, feeling guilty.

I knew why he was offering it to me. Because I must have looked stiff and awkward. I'm the person who sits on the couch, hands in her lap, watching others talk loudly and drink in excess, while I try hard to maintain a pleasant, approachable smile.

I dislike seeing people get drunk.

I suppose it might have to do with me not liking the idea of losing control. I fear losing control of my mind, my thoughts, my actions, and especially my body.

Besides, I'm much too young to drink! I wouldn't want to hurt my body with alcohol, since I'm still developing. And I really don't think mom would approve either.

June 12, 2015

I used to think that the male body was gross. Obscene, even.

I couldn't bear to think of a man's sexual organ without turning beet red and nearly passing out. I guess I was raised in a pretty clean home...squeaky clean, even.

Mom really changed a lot after marrying my dad. I don't think there's anything wrong with how she raised me, though. I just feel like it made me more tense in certain situations.

For example, when Kyo walks out of the restroom after a hot shower, with only a towel wrapped around his waist. I try to look away, but my eyes are glued to the drops of water sliding down his muscular chest, down past his abs, and then around his belly button. I have to look away before it gets lower than that, though. And I run away (literally) into my room or down the stairs, tripping over my own feet as I try to act like I have something that I was going to be doing.

I do want to overcome this anxiety, but it's so hard. I feel like sexuality is something that shouldn't have to be discussed, much like how spirituality is something that I like to keep to myself.

Not only does the topic of sex make me feel uncomfortable, but it also takes away from the sacredness of it. Sex is a special thing. I feel like it should be experienced when the time is right and not longed for or sought after. It's something that will (most likely) happen eventually, so why rush it?

I hope that I find that special someone one day. Deep down, yes, I do want to have sex. I can't believe I'm writing this down, but oh well. I guess it's something that I do need to get out of my system. I can't lie. I have urges and desires like anyone else. I sometimes think about Kyo or Yuki or...and I can't believe I'm saying this...but, yes, even Shigure at night and...well…I'll just leave it at that.

I hope to God no one reads this.

Okay, I guess I should try to overcome my fear of people discovering my diary, too. And I really need to stop being so afraid.


	19. Good Luck

Today wasn't the best day.

Kyo and I had an argument that turned quite ugly. We'd been sitting in his room, joking around while waiting for Shigure to get home because we were supposed to eat at a restaurant today. We were talking a lot about our futures, dreams, and things like that.

Kyo told me that he could see me becoming a professional chef. He said it like he meant it, going by the intensity in his eyes. I'd laughed it off, though, and told him that he was too kind. He laughed as well and said that no, _I'm_ too kind.

The way that he'd said it had sounded as though there was a double meaning in there somewhere, and I'd looked away from him, uncomfortable.

Normally, Kyo and I fit like two peas in a pod, regardless of his anger issues (sorry, Kyo!). But it's when he looks at me in that way of his that I get tense, goosebumps rising on my skin. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's his fault or my own fault.

Anyway, our conversation led to an awkward silence where it felt like something needed to be said. I felt like I had to ask Kyo about his own dreams.

It was a topic that we'd tread on before, and it hadn't gone so well the first time. I know Kyo well. He doesn't like to think about the future because he doesn't think that he has one. Which I think is ridiculous. I mean, he's so talented, smart, and interesting. Someone like him couldn't turn out to be a nobody in life.

So I asked him again. I asked if he feels differently about it now.

He immediately pursed his lips and turned and lowered his head away from me, his hands lowering to take hold of his bent knees. I held my breath hoping that I hadn't made a mistake.

Once the silence got to be too much for me, I apologized.

He then looked at me and shook his head, his red hair tossing from side to side. He was chuckling.

I asked him what was funny, genuinely curious. He looked hesitant before he said, "it must be easy to think about your future when you're so lucky in life."

Although I had partly expected this type of a response, I still blinked in surprise at the bluntness with which he said it. That's the thing about Kyo, though. He is very straight-forward and either not afraid to hurt people's feelings, or he just doesn't know how to say things in a "nicer" way. Honestly, a part of me admires him for it.

I felt my cheeks heat up because what he said did have some truth to it, as much as it hurt to hear it like this. I didn't want my life compared to his or anyone else's. I knew I was blessed in life, but to be told this did spark the tiniest feeling of anger in my heart. Not because I didn't think my life was as great as he did, but because he would think there was any point in comparing in the first place.

I lowered my eyes and said, "Kyo, your life is what you make it. All you have to do is believe in yourself…like how I believe in you." I'd smiled at him as kindly as I could, hoping he couldn't see my trembling. I peered into his eyes that were partly covered by his long bangs, hoping that I'd gotten through to him. He was looking at the floor, face tense and pale.

"I don't know how you can believe in me," he said, finally. "My own...my own parents..." His voice trailed off, but it was obvious to me what he'd been about to say.

My throat clenched at the mention of his parents. This was a subject that was avoided at all costs. I'd noticed that even Yuki sometimes stops in the middle of talking about his mother when he realizes or remembers that Kyo is in the same room, his eyes darting in Kyo's direction guiltily. I wonder how it makes Kyo feel, knowing that people tiptoe around subjects like this around him.

I felt my eyes water as I thought of my own mother. It feels selfish to have been thinking about my own parents when Kyo was in pain, but I guess I couldn't help it. I inhaled deeply, bent down so that I could have a better look into his eyes and tried again.

"Your parents loved you, Kyo. No matter what they said or did, they did love you. And even if they didn't, even if they treated you more cruelly than anyone else on this planet...don't let it define you. Don't let it destroy your future. Because you-"

"If they screwed up my past, which they did, why should they just get away with it so easily?" he snapped viciously, scaring me a little. "Why should I forgive them? Because I know that's what you're telling me to do." He gritted his teeth as tears filled his eyes. "They should… _pay_ for what they've done to me. They made my life a living hell and every single day of my horrific excuse for a life I'm haunted by memories and guilt that I don't need on my plate on top of everything else." He was talking quickly now, his head raising to look at me. His eyes didn't look the same, though. They looked dark and cold. It was frightening and made me want to look away.

Kyo scoffed suddenly. He then smirked, his eyes bright...a little too bright. "Everyone else is playing video games, talking about how great their parents are, how bright their futures are, and I have a suicide under my belt and a father who hates my guts and makes sure that I don't go a day without forgetting it. Then again," Kyo chuckled again, his eyes still bright, but now a little teary, "Who doesn't hate me?"

"I don't hate you," I said, reaching over to take his hand, trying to control myself from bursting into tears on the spot.

But he pulled his hands back, stood up, and walked away from me. Just before he reached the door, however, he stopped. His head lowered and he hunched his shoulders.

"Please..." he said, voice strained. "I'm sorry to say this, but please don't talk about your mom to me for a while. I'm sorry for being so pathetic. I just...I just hate thinking about…you know."

I stood up and walked over to him, laid a hand against his back and began rubbing it. "I understand," I said. "I won't talk about her." Deep down, I was cursing at myself like crazy, feeling horrible for bringing up the subject again. Why couldn't I see that it would end the same way that it did last time?

Kyo's shoulders began to shake and he eventually began to sob. I had never heard Kyo cry before. Even his crying resembled the sound of a cat's meowing. It was a little high-pitched and raspy.

I stood there with him like this for a while, feeling guilty for wanting to kiss his worries away…


	20. Two Roads

Everything in life can be looked at either positively or negatively. Everything...from losing a job to a loved one dying to wars that destroy lives and kill thousands.

Mom taught me to look at things positively. To always be kind and upbeat, no matter what. It doesn't matter if other people aren't always kind or respectful. All that matters is that I am. Simple as that.

In the beginning, I'd think to myself, well, isn't it natural and normal to respond with anger or annoyance? Don't I have a right to be upset with someone who is being rude to me? Don't I have the right to demand respect from others?

Well, the answer is that it isn't about having a right to anything. It's about what would be best for me and others in the long run.

Anger is like a disease. It hurts you slowly and can spread to others easily. There is no excuse for reacting angrily to something. Ever. No matter what the circumstances are.

Imagine if I had been angry after my mother died. If I had stopped talking to my friends and remaining family members. What would have happened after that? Certainly nothing good. I might have lost my friends and damaged my bond with grandfather, when he needed my help most.

I think about Kyo sometimes.

Kyo is an angry boy. He takes his anger out on anything and everything, from people to inanimate objects to himself. He hates everything. And I still love him despite that. Does that mean I think it's okay for him to be so angry? No, it doesn't. But I also can't tell him how to live his life. Instead, it's best that I show him that I care about him and just be as kind as possible around him. Hope that it might set an example. Hope that it might make him look at things a little differently. Maybe one day he won't be so angry anymore.

After all, every storm ends eventually.

I would have to say that the most difficulty I have had not getting angry at a situation was when mom died. I loved her so much. She really inspired me. When the person who inspired you most dies, it feels like a part of your soul died as well. It feels like you don't know how you'll go on without this person's guidance, without their enthusiasm.

I cried so much after she died. I constantly longed for a shoulder to cry on, and it was always given.

I know mom wouldn't want me to break down like that, though. She wouldn't want me to be mourning her like that. Mom would want me to raise my head and take on life the way that she did after dad died. She'd tell me that death can be looked at in one of two ways – It can be seen as a tragedy or it can be seen as a blessing.

My mom would tell me that I should cherish the memories that I had with her and to look forward, not back.

And I think she's right. I was making myself sick with sadness after she died.

There are two ways to look at any situation that life throws at you.

You can either break down and give up or you can keep moving, keep fighting. Life is hard sometimes, almost impossible, even, but as long as you believe in yourself anything is possible. Because that's all you really need in the end. You. You only have yourself to truly depend on when it counts. Even God is there to simply guide us...not carry us around.

And I do believe in myself.


End file.
